I'm suspicious my partner is cheating on me with my transgender best friend

DEAR DEIDRE: MY man has transformed into the perfect partner – but I am suspicious.

I’m sure he is on his best behaviour out of guilt for cheating with my trans best friend.


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I am 34 and my partner is 36. We have a child each from previous relationships.

My best friend had been living with us for eight months. She is pre-op male-to-female transgender and I have known her since school.

Everything was fine until last month. The children were upstairs in bed, while the three of us were having a drink together. 

Then my partner and my friend started acting strangely, asking me if I thought they flirted with each other. I sat there in silence as they both bickered and got worked up to the point where my friend stormed out, yelling our friendship was over.

She packed her bags there and then. I was mystified and gutted. 

My partner got on brilliantly with her and as far as I knew there were no issues. 

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But a couple of nights before their blow-up, I had gone to bed early, leaving the two of them downstairs.

My partner had woken me up stumbling into bed late — he said he’d fallen asleep downstairs. Now I am convinced something happened between them on my couch. Since then, my boyfriend has become the man I dreamed of. He’s loving, attentive and considerate towards me.

It’s not how he normally behaves. I’ve been close to ending our relationship many times due to the way he treated me in the past. 

I desperately want to continue with our relationship, but I can’t stay with a man who has cheated on me with my best friend right under my nose. 

I keep reliving that night and wondering why they became so defensive and strange. I worry that, if I stay, the truth will come out down the line and break me.

DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t jump to conclu­sions. Your partner may have rejected your friend’s advances that night and this could be the real cause of the fall-out.

Something clearly has changed, but demanding details is unlikely to help you, especially if he was so drunk he may not remember anyway. 

He clearly realises how much he has to lose. Tell him you are deeply hurt and whatever happened, the alcohol is no excuse. You can’t simply sail on as if nothing has happened.

Organise online counselling through tavistockrelationships.org or relate.org.uk and my support pack How Counselling Can Help explains more. 

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