Excluded from the love club on the year’s most romantic day, the temptation is to scoff a whole can of Pringles and collapse in a heap, but it doesn’t have to be like this.
Below is my guide to the ten worst things about Valentine’s Day — and how to shrug off each one like a pro.
❶ The Tinder frenzy
Online dating gets pretty weird this week. Even the most meh of app users are suddenly swiping right in a hopeful frenzy after Hallmark’s reminder nudge that true love exists.
The shaggers want in on the action too as they spy easy pickings and know even a basic “Wot u doing for Valentine’s?” might do.
Your response: Swipe right at will but don’t even think of booking a first date in for ‘the most romantic night of the year’. Own goal, love.
❷ The meal deal
Clogging the shelves of every supermarket is the ruddy “meal deal”.
Lucky (cheap) couples can sack off Nando’s in favour of lamb shank plus a side dish, plonk and pud of their choice.
But what if it’s just you?
There are only so many pork medallions one woman can get through.
Your response: Ignore all such deals — even the M&S Count On Us 3 for 2 offer.
Your Valentine’s bargain is spending zero cash on naff cards and presents so it’s time to treat yourself.
Steak (or the veggie equivalent) and Prosecco are definitely the order of the day.
❸ The smug co-worker
You know the sort. That loved-up woman who goes on about Valentine’s Yay for weeks in advance.
She will tell you at length about the unique, magical ways her man has surprised her in the past. On the day itself, she will get a huge bouquet of roses delivered to her desk which she will pretend to be embarrassed about.
Your response: Go online on the 13th and order yourself an obscenely large sex toy with next-day delivery. Then loudly unbox The Throbbing Assassin in front of her and exclaim triumphantly: “He remembered!”
❹ The ruined meal out
Thanks to nauseating PDAs and price hikes, every restaurant in town is a write-off.
Endless couples pile in to enjoy an overpriced set menu while swapping pleasantries across a small vase with a single red rose in it.
You wanted a catch-up with a mate, but you ended up in an episode of First Dates.
Your response: You are not under house arrest, but you are not obliged to join the sheeple eating out. Find the least romantic pub near you and order pork-based bar snacks to keep the wolf from the door while you natter.
❺ The card from your sister (and pity from your mates)
You know that being single rocks but everyone else thinks V Day will get you down.
Fearing the worst, your married sis sends you the one thing guaranteed to make you feel like a loser — a hilarious card with a question mark in it.
Your response: The poor woman gets up at 6am every morning with the children, so bung her a With Sympathy card, right, and a bottle of gin.
❻ The social media show-offs
VD — painful but swiftly banished with the right treatment — is paradise for all the loved-up attention seekers.
Cue a slew of kissy-kissy couple photos with endless unbearable hashtags clogging your feed. Your response: Short of commenting “#vom #makeitstop” on every post there’s little you can do here. And if you can’t beat them, then join them. Post a photo of yourself licking a block of cheddar and tag it #solucky #loveuforever #myheart.
❼ The tat choking the shelves in EVERY shop
Like a constant, nagging reminder that you’re still hunting for The One, every shop is full of puke-inducing merch.
Cards, mugs, key rings and plush toys, that you would not even want anyway, sour every lunchbreak trip to get a sarnie.
Your response: Buy yourself a Hey Sexy mug and a small teddy clutching a heart to set fire to.
❽ The pressure to go on the pull
Long-term couples just assume that you will head off out to a Valentine’s singles night for a booze-fuelled shagfest.
In fact, they don’t assume it — they demand it.
“You can’t stay in tonight,” they cry. “It’s the perfect night to meet someone!”
Your response: By all means head out on the pull, if you like. But if you want to sit on the couch sucking stray bits of Terry’s Chocolate Orange off your onesie, then that’s fine too.
❾ The booty call
That guy who ghosted you two months ago suddenly texts to see if you fancy a drink later.
But you don’t know if it’s a Valentine’s thing (less likely with a bloke), a pure coincidence, or if he genuinely likes you.
You’re sorely tempted to shag him either way.
Everyone else is copping off this week — love is in the air, on the telly and all over the shops — so why shouldn’t you?
Your response: Have some pride, woman. You do not want to date a flaky ghoster who couldn’t care less about your feelings.
A better, kinder man for you is just round the corner so please wait for him.
❿ And finally, there’s GALentine’s Day
Satan has a new toy to torture you with, ladies . . . and its name is Galentine’s Day.
Robbing couples blind isn’t enough for the marketing men, who now want women to buy their best girl mates pressies, too.
Imagine it — “Not got a date, babe? Best friend a loser virgin too? Stop your embarrassing tears, you too can be part of the magic of Galentine’s Day.”
Your response: You’re better than this. We all are. Crush the madness before it becomes a thing by not investing a penny in GD gifts.
Start a Ballantine’s Day tradition instead, neck whisky cocktails with your best single mates. Cheers!
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