I was devastated when I found out I was having my third boy – it felt like a dirty little secret that I wanted a girl

A MUM has told how she was left devastated after discovering that she was having a boy for the third time.

Kathy Fisher-Asbery, 51, who lives in Illinois, had always dreamt of raising a little girl, never once considering that the alternative might happen.

Speaking exclusively to Fabulous Digital, she explained: “I always just assumed that I would have both genders. 

“We had a boy first and I was ecstatic and I thought our next one would be a girl and I would be done.

“I got pregnant a second time and it was a boy, I remember thinking that this is not how it’s supposed to happen.”

Kathy welcomed Kadin, 22, in 1999, and then four years later she welcomed her second son Colle.

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But a difficult pregnancy meant that Kathy struggled to bond with her second child.

She says: “I had an extremely hard pregnancy and birth and I found it difficult to bond with my second because of that.

“A lot of people though that was because he was a boy but it was down to the traumatic birth experience.

“I was sad that I wasn’t having a girl but I grew into that relationship. My eldest needed a brother more than I needed a daughter.”

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Despite learning to get over her disappointment, Kathy was still determined to become a mum to a little girl and so she and husband David, 52, who works as a gynaecologist decided to try for another baby.

But this time Kathy was determined to swing the odds in her favour.

“We decided to have a third so I joined forums and read books about how to have a girl.

“We used the Chinese calendar and used the Shettles method so I felt like I was in control even though I really wasn’t.”

Kathy fell pregnant once again in 2006 and at 14 weeks she discovered that once again she was expecting a little boy.

“I knew pretty quickly it was a boy purely through intuition,” she recalls.

“I was just really sad and really detached.”

While the mum’s gender disappointment was palpable it was made worse by the snide comments she received during her pregnancy with Liam.

“People said horrible things to me,” Kathy says.

“It became a joke. People would ask me what I was going to name him and I would say ‘not a girl’. 

“At the time I was working as a Real Estate agent and our secretary had a foetal demise and said to me ‘maybe you’ll lose him and can try again and get it right.’

“I lost friends over it because they were doing girl things and I was excluded, it was heartbreaking.”

To make matters worse, Kathy experienced another traumatic birth, seeing her youngest losing a heartbeat.

But while Kathy admits she was disappointed to not have a girl, that does not mean she didn’t want her son.

You seem ungrateful, you’re having a baby when people can’t have babies, you’re having a healthy child when people don’t

“While I was sad I wasn’t going to have a girl, I never once wanted to lose one of my boys,” she says.

“First and foremost I wanted a healthy child – I just would have liked to have had a girl.”

While Kathy battled with gender disappointment she says that her husband never felt the same way.

“Gender was never a big issue to him because he sees so many other horrific outcomes but he already had a few mini me’s,” she says.

In an effort to process her own disappointment as well as reaching out to other parents, in August 2008 Kathy wrote her book on gender disappointment called Altered Dreams.

“I didn’t want gender disappointment to be a dirty little secret anymore,” she explains.

“If mums were honest, when they have that ultrasound they will have a picture of what that child is going to be like and when that picture alters it can be a real disappointment.

“It takes a lot to admit.”

The response from the book was mixed with many accusing Kathy of being ‘ungrateful’ and her boys were also the target of unjustified abuse.

She says: “It is a taboo subject, you seem ungrateful, you’re having a baby when people can’t have babies, you’re having a healthy child when people don’t.

“I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I do.

“My boys get teased a lot, people tell them they weren’t wanted especially after I wrote my book.

“These people don’t know my kids and they’re making these rash judgements because of their gender

“The boys know I would run in front of a truck for any of them.”

After writing the book Kathy moved on from her gender disappointment and accepted her life as a mum of three boys until her husband had a chance conversation with a colleague.

“My husband was against adoption,” Kathy says.

“He said we were lucky to have children who were healthy. I had let that idea go but he was talking to some other physicians who’d adopted. 

“Two months later he told me he thought he could adopt, I could have fallen on the ground.”

The couple gave themselves a time frame of 18 months, and if they didn’t find a little girl in that time they would give up the hunt.

However, on February 1st, 2011, the couple received a life changing call.

Kathy says: “On my 40th birthday, we got a call that a birth mother wanted to speak to us, and 19 days later her little girl was born in California.

“Elliana’s been ours ever since.”

While Kathy says that adoption was not an easy process, she wouldn’t change it for the world with Elliana, now 10, completing her family.

“I feel like I should no longer be a spokesperson for gender disappointment because I have a daughter now,” she says.

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“I can talk about my sadness but I can also show it’s possible to get what you wanted.

“I dreamt about my daughter and the girl I had in my mind’s eye is who I have today.”

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