Jimmy Kimmel Has a Name for Trump’s Refusal to Concede: ‘Squattergate’

Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. We’re all stuck at home at the moment, so here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.

‘Squattergate’

Jimmy Kimmel welcomed viewers Thursday for what he called “Day 9 of Squattergate.”

With Trump officially declared the winner in Alaska, Kimmel offered a potential solution.

“Why don’t we just make him president of Alaska? He’d love it,” Kimmel said. “It even sounds like the names of his wives and daughters: Melania, Ivana, Ivanka, Alaska.”

“He’d for sure be the tannest person there. He’d like that.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Plenty of wide-open space to build big ugly buildings and put your name on them. Donny Jr. would have a lot of endangered species to shoot. And he could marry Sarah Palin — she’s like a Melania who likes you.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“You’ll be surrounded by people who agree with you, and you’ll be able to see Russia from your house. It’s everything you could dream. Let’s make him the first president of the Last Frontier. Alaska: it’s big, it’s white, it’s melting down and it has lots of crabs, just like Donald Trump.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“And the State Department is refusing to even hand over the messages Biden has been getting from other world leaders. They’re like, ‘Uh, sorry, there’s no one here named Joe Biden — but I mean, he can’t come to the phone right now.” — JIMMY KIMMEL

“Well, sure, if Biden wants access to classified national security intel, everybody knows he’s got to go through the proper channels and buy a membership to Mar-a-Lago.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Despite clinging to the job desperately, he’s not actually doing it. The last intelligence briefing on the president’s schedule was for Oct. 2. He really should take the briefings because I’m sure they’re full of valuable information. For instance, he might find out that the United States elected a new president.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Punchiest Punchlines (Save America Edition)

“And it will not shock you to learn the Trump campaign and Republican Party’s attempts to invalidate the results of the elections are, in large part, a giant grift with the side effect of lighting our democracy on fire.” — SETH MEYERS, on Trump’s Save America PAC fund-raiser

“When Trump finally concedes, he’ll probably do it in a Bugatti, wearing diamond-encrusted Cartier sunglasses and the necklace from the Titanic. ‘[as Trump] Thanks for all your donations, but unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to stop the deep state. If you need me, I’ll be vacationing in Fiji.’” — SETH MEYERS

“My man, Donald Jobless Trump — this guy never misses a hustle. I bet as we speak he’s ripping out the copper wiring from the White House walls.” — TREVOR NOAH

“And there are perks. For a donation of $2,800, you can ‘Join the first family circle.’ Man, that’s got to be tempting for Eric. [imitating Eric] ‘Please let me in, Dad! I’ll get the money, I just have to sell my beautiful hair.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“According to the website, at least half of each donation will go to paying off the campaign’s debts. One last grift for the road. Before he finally leaves, someone better check under the MAGA hat for the White House silverware.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Here’s how the scam works: If a donor gives $500, $200 would go to the R.N.C., while $300 will go to the president’s newly formed Save America PAC. Not sure what Save America PAC is going to do with the money, but the president has a lot of debt and their mailing address is: ‘Grease-stained paper bag under park bench in Dupont Circle, make sure you weren’t followed, U.S.A.’" — STEPHEN COLBERT

“And I guess I owe Donald Trump an apology, because I honestly thought he could never change, but he has. The dude went from being an African dictator to a Nigerian prince.” — TREVOR NOAH

The Bits Worth Watching

The professional soccer player Megan Rapinoe tells Trevor Noah about her off-the-field advocacy and new memoir, “One Life.”

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Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan fall for each other over fossils in the forbidden seaside romance “Ammonite.”

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