DEAR DEIDRE: I’M getting married in a month and it’s killing me not knowing if my wife-to-be has ever had sex.
We have known one another — and been engaged — for six months. It is an arranged marriage and we are both happy about it. We’re both from Indian families. I’m 28 and my fiancee is 25.
I live in London but she currently lives in India. When I was 25 I lost my virginity to a previous girlfriend. I have a feeling my fiancee is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend, but I haven’t had the chance to ask her.
We speak every day on the phone but I don’t feel it is appropriate to ask her in a call. I feel it is better to ask her face-to-face. The more we talk on the phone, the more I feel she hasn’t had a boyfriend or had sex because she seems inexperienced.
Some of the relationship things she says to me come across as very naive. I’ve talked over my feelings with friends. They have asked me if finding out really matters or if it’s going to make a difference in my feelings towards her, or whether it is going to change the outcome of us marrying.
One friend even said it doesn’t matter if she’s had sex or not, as long as you are one another’s last. I know her having had a boyfriend or losing her virginity isn’t going to make a difference to how I feel towards her.
I am not going to cancel the wedding if she says yes to either one, but I am not sure how to go about having sex with a virgin. I feel a bit pressured in taking her virginity but also honoured. I just want to make it as romantic as possible.
I am very aware I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill but it does keep eating at me.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is not wrong for you to wonder if your fiancee is still a virgin as long as it doesn’t make you judge her in the wrong way.
If you truly love her for who she is now, you should leave her past behind – just as you would wish her to do for you. Whether she is virgin or not, it doesn’t define who she is or her feelings for you.
I don’t see virginity as something “lost” but experience gained. Having said that, it does sound as though this will be your fiancee’s first time. First-time sex doesn’t have to be painful, though it may be uncomfortable.
Don’t feel you must have full intercourse on your wedding night if you will have had little chance to start getting intimate beforehand.
You need to build up physical confidence together so you can be sure she is fully aroused when the time is right. My e-leaflet First-Time Fears? will reassure you both.
Source: Read Full Article