I really loved being single. I loved the excitement of dating new people, I loved the freedom to do whatever I want when I wanted, and having time just to myself. That being said, there were times when being single was a bummer, when I would look at my friends in happy relationships, and I’d get lonely, and wonder if I’d ever meet someone, or if I’d always be at the single table. If I wasn’t careful, that feeling could spiral. Sound familiar? If so, you need a few ways to remind yourself you’re all you really need, because the truth is, as great as it is to have a partner, you are good enough and complete, all on your own.
Kali Rogers, founder of Blush Online Life Coaching, tells Elite Daily that feeling like you want to be coupled up is totally normal, but it’s not everything. "It is always important to feel that you are all you need — but you do not have to be all that you want. It is completely natural for most human beings to want to be in a relationship. That’s what we have been doing for thousands of years, so that urge within you to be coupled up probably won’t go away anytime soon — nor should it," says Rogers. But she adds that this shouldn’t reach the point of effecting your self-worth. "Feeling like you aren’t complete, or like you aren’t enough, just because you’re single is a problem. You will always need full confidence that you by yourself are enough, otherwise you will will battle issues with co-dependency, insecurity, and jealousy for the rest of your life."
Susan Ball, self-love activist and author of Courage and Grace: From Broken to Blissful, the Journey of Building Joy During Your Recovery from Abuse, tells Elite Daily that being single is an opportunity to learn the most important lesson: That you are enough. "The key to a healthy happy vibrant life is providing everything you need for yourself,” she says. “When you are single you have the opportunity to expand your life in any direction you choose. You have no encumbrances. You are free. You can explore and be curious."
While both the experts are right, knowing that you’re enough and feeling that you are enough are two different things. Here is how they say you can bridge that gap, and remember that you really are all you need.
If you’re feeling down about being single, Ball says you should start dating… yourself. “Make yourself your priority,” she advises. “Every week (or daily!), mark in your calendar your date with you. Choose an activity that makes you feel content, or joyful, or giving and do that.” Ball cautions that it’s important to make this commitment to yourself and keep it. “You never want to break your date with yourself. That will make you feel lousy because you have just dismissed your own importance in your life.”
2Embrace being a little selfish.
One of the best things about being single is that you aren’t beholden to anyone else. Rogers’ advice is to lean into that and be a little selfish. “Take full advantage of the fact that you can do whatever you want without having to take anyone else into consideration,” she says. By intentionally putting yourself first, you are reminding yourself that you are important and that is confidence building. “It’s an incredibly empowering feeling to know that you create your own destiny,” she explains. “Make sure to intentionally put yourself first in situations where you may not be able to if you were in a relationship. Embrace your relationship status as a powerful commodity.”
3Stop comparing yourself to others.
Do you find yourself looking at your coupled-up friends, comparing yourself to them and getting seriously bummed out? “Stop. Just stop,” says Ball. “You are not them. You are you. And your uniqueness is your superpower. Stop looking at others and wishing you were them. You are not. Celebrate who you are, your vibrancy, your beauty, your quirks, your flaws — celebrate them all. Embrace every part of your being and flaunt it. Wake up in the morning, wink at yourself in the mirror and blow yourself a saucy kiss. You are amazing.”
4Get to know yourself.
If you’ve ever felt like you’ve gotten lost in a relationship (same!), you know that being single is the best time to really take the opportunity to get to know yourself and do some personal growth. Rogers suggests taking full advantage of this time doing just that. “Read self help books, hire a coach [or] therapist, take a course,” she says. “Do whatever you need to do in order to fully get to know yourself. Now is the time. You have the space and the resources to understand exactly who you are and what you want [and] need out of life.” By doing this work, she says, you’re also helping lay the groundwork for better relationships in the future, when you’re ready. “Sort all that out before you jump into a relationship,” she advises.
5Improve your self-talk.
This last bit of advice may be the most difficult, because it involves some unlearning, as well as learning — but it may be the most impactful of all. It’s time to reprogram the voices in your head from picking on you about being single, to lifting you up for being who you are right now. “Positive self-talk can make or break confidence and belief systems,” explains Rogers. “If you are consistently telling yourself you are not enough by yourself, then that will be your reality.” Instead of getting stuck in that cycle of negativity, Rogers suggest a new daily routine. “Tell yourself daily that you are complete just as you are, that you are deserving of love but happy on your own, and that you create your own destiny,” she says. “These continuous self-empowering messages will guide you through any ups and downs — single or not.”
If that sounds like a lot of work, then consider Ball’s final advice. “Your longest relationship is with yourself. Make it a happy one,” she says. “Set out to embrace life and all it has to offer. There are no rules that say you can’t do certain things if you’re not attached. That’s rubbish. Breakout, be free and smile.” Because not only will it help you now, it’s how you can forge a happier future. “Once you have a healthy fulfilling relationship with yourself, you will begin to attract others into your life that share your passion for life, curiosity, and happiness. Your abundant happy life is yours to create,” says Ball. So go on and create it. You deserve it.
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